I don't know how long its been since I've been on here and actually posted something. I guess I've just become uninterested in art lately with all this other crap going on around me. not that I get any good out of getting involved in shit.
So if I'm not here to post you anything you can enjoy, I'm obviously here to post a new Journal; just so people just coasting along DA can read a couple paragraphs of self indulging bull crap about me and the poor state my life seems to find itself in all to often. yup... just that.

So here I am, at home, typing to all you enthusiastic readers *cough-cough* not really doing to much... Just watching a movie I've watched enough times to say I don't even know why I watch it anymore; thinking about any possible reason why Life just seems to get worse and worse, the usual. Find myself thinking about to much and not being able to switch out of that mode. its like... being on a bad drug trip and not being able to come off... for 2 months... quite depressing indeed.

ok so here is a question of the day... If a person is TRULY depressed and its getting worse... after it goes on for so long to the point you cant stand it anymore... would you automatically find a way to put yourself out of your misery, or would you become so depressed that you break somehow or you just cant tell the difference anymore so infact... it wouldn't bother you anymore?
I mean... It feels like its been getting really bad for me as of late. and I'm kinda getting to this point where I'm just questioning universal logic of the hole purpose of even become depressed. why in this universe or any for that matter would there be something as useless as depression. I can see the use of having pain, and pleasure, but then depression is kinda this hole thing by its self... it doesn't really do anything...it just makes you feel like you couldn't hate life much more. its useless. you think about it allot you realize..."holy shit, this is fucking stupid, why would such a gay think exist" there is no point...
and why we are on the subject of depression, if you would want to at least know how to identify depression, listen up.
you can be depressed and people say "oh you can get over it" if that was true, I wouldn't be depressed right now, no one would. You haven't been really depressed until you TRIED to get UNdepressed. then you start to realize how fucking annoying it is. people get depression and being sad mixed up WAY to much... k being sad... you can get over that.. yes... being depressed... No you don't get over it... its very hard to get over... if you can get over it that easily... its not depression... your just being sad... nothing wrong with being a lil sad because you lost some friends... its normal... no... depression.... it comes out of no where and it STAYS. STAYS, STAYS, STAYS. its like that annoying inlaw you cant get to move out of your house... nope its dead set on making your life a living hell, if it had a concisions of course. You have not had depression tell you experienced how fucking hard it is to get rid of the sucker. and being it so hard to get over... makes you even more depressed. wtf is up with that. see we got like half a billion people on this planet saying they are "Depressed" and we give them drugs... its insane.. half these people probably aren't even capable of inducing actual depression. one person has a sad moment because they spilled they're big gulp coming inside the house the next moment the doctor is giving you anti depressants right up the ass in the form of a suppository. ITS BULLSHIT!

no... you will only know you need help from a doctor after you have... EXTINGUISHED! ANY! OTHER! POSSIBILITY! to get over your "depression" sometimes you just need a friend, if you just need a friend... your not depressed... your sad... sometimes people just need an activity to keep they're mind from wondering. thats not depression... THATS BOREDOM!...
Real depression... you got it... and you just don't know fucking why... my life could be considered really good to allot of people.. fantastic even... I mean I look at my life right now, and I would find my self in any other situation to be ecstatic about it. end over end, I'm doing what I've always wanted to do. but... for some weird ass reason... I got this "FEELING" hanging on me... its like being really sad about someone dieing or something... but there was no one who died. you just feel it... like an ache or something.
and it goes forever it feels like, days weeks months even years. or tell you find PROPER treatment. >> what I have yet to find.
I mean... I'm ling when I say I'm in a good mood.
I just say that because I'm tired of getting the "you will get over it" response... its not fair for someone like me to fucking have deal with this... and not even know how to DEAL with it. fuck... and I will tell you, I've tried everything... changing my diet, getting a job, find outside activity, DRAWING, friends, family... its all the same... I'm there... but whatever I'm doing... I'm not enjoying it... even the things I love. and there is no apparent reason for me to not enjoy it.

But now... I don't know... I can't even understand why. its just how its is now... I've done everything I can so far to deal with it... and being so frustrated, I get to this point where I'm just saying why the fuck does this have to be something in existence. it has no meaning no purpose , no benefit... its just there. eating at me... and its getting worse... (note: read this far, if you comment please put a tripple A at the beginning of your comment :AAA:, lil experiment to see who is actually reading this stuff)

so after all this ranting what point have I got across to everyone that I could of said in one sentence but I felt I had to explain it in finer detail? <<I'm depressed, and you don't even know what depression is until you dealt with it... so please... STFU about "getting over it" ITS HARDER THAN IT LOOKS >:I>>
about that much...